Humans Should Not Have Litters
February 13, 2009, 11:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: , , ,

I’ve been feeling miserable about myself lately.

Clearly that means there is only one logical thing to do: mock other people and criticize their poor life decisions!

So I guess you’ve heard about that crazy mom? with the octuplets? And the 6 children already at home? And the fact that OUR TAX DOLLARS are funding this birthing spree?

Right, you have. No need to bore you with the details.

I’ve been mulling this over for quite a bit, and I’m stuck on her reasoning for doing it. I know, I should be stuck on the risk of being a preemie, and the tax dollars, and the creepy resemblance to Angelina Jolie but minus the funds, and the TAX DOLLARS.

Instead, I’m stuck on her reason: she was an only child, and she hated it.

Well, me too, honey!

Oddly enough, my father is one of the few parents in the world to have raised 2 only children. My brother and I are 13 years apart, and we’re half-siblings. Nobody ever referred to us as that: he’s my brother, and I’m his sister, and it’s just this weird quirk of things that we happen to have two different mothers. It was extremely important to all the adults around us that we be siblings.

And yet we’re still only children! He was 13 when I was born, so for all intents and purposes he was raised. He merely needed fine-tuning at that point. His mom had custody of him, but he spent a lot of time with us. Of course, that dwindled as he got busy with high school, and then when he left for college.

We’ve never had breakfast together that I can remember. We never had to share a bathroom, or the couch. We never really had to fight for parental attention, not in the traditional sense. We never fought over what to watch on TV, or who used up all the hot water. If we had lived together, that would have been a problem because we both like to scald ourselves to the point of eczema.

When you don’t have those sorts of sibling wars, you don’t really become siblings in the true sense of word. We are only children who happen to be siblings.

I spent a lot of time very lonely as a child. I didn’t (and still don’t) make friends very easily. Sometimes I want to go back and smack my elementary school self for stressing over whether or not so and so actually want to play with me, and if she would like me, and then I remember that I still do that. I relate better to characters in books than I do to real, live people. I spent a lot of time alone, reading. It’s made me into the well-rounded, exuberant person that I am today. I always thought that if I had a built-in playmate in the form of a sibling my age, I would be less lonely.

I probably would be, but I would have also had a lot of anger and arguments and sibling wars, so it all evens out. I still wish I had a sister close to my age. I can be fiercely jealous of my mom and her sister (13 MONTHS apart), even though I know my mom and I have something special, too. I am grateful that Nathan and I have become closer, Internet-ly, as I’ve gotten older.

But I still wish I had had a playmate.

But Octuplet Mommy? that’s not a good enough reason to get pregnant, out of marriage, with no job, 7 times, to produce 14 children. To risk the lives of the babies in that litter. To prevent your children from ever being raised in anything but poverty. To deprive them of any substantial parental attention, especially since there’s no father around. Having multiple children just so the first won’t be any only child isn’t a good enough reason to have them. To have children to provide yourself with siblings isn’t a good enough reason.

And admit it: you know you liked being the center of attention. I know I did, and still do. I might be jealous of my mom and her sister, but I know that I’m my mom’s pride and joy, her one and only. Why else would you have brought this many children into the world so foolishly? You get to be the center of attention for a few days until better news comes along.



Ur doin it wrong
May 29, 2008, 10:03 am
Filed under: daily | Tags: , ,

At the library just now:

Librarian: You have over $25 in fines, so you can’t check anything out until you bring them below that.

Patron: You won’t let me check out books?

Librarian: Not unless you pay down your fines.

Patron: Can’t you just override them?

Librarian: No, it’s standard library policy.

Patron: Can’t you just make them go away?

Librarian: No? They aren’t optional?

What a peculiar interaction. Since when are library fines optional? Who assumes that just because they don’t want to pay fines, that they don’t have to? What am I going to do, just wave my magic wand and sprinkle some fairy dust and we’ll all just forget that you didn’t return a lot of books on time?

When I can do that, I’ll also start farting sunshine and rainbows, ok?

You know, just as a point of interest, if you don’t pay your bills on time, they charge you for it. If you don’t return a movie you rented on time, they charge you for it. If you don’t turn in your homework on time, you get docked points. In fact, due dates in every other aspect of life are mandatory. If you choose to ignore them, you are then charged for it. Just because we didn’t charge you for these books in the first place doesn’t mean that we won’t notice or charge you if you choose not to return them on time.

There was much huffing and puffing and angry faces when we made her pay a grand total of $2.01 in order to have fines below $25.

Apparently she thinks she farts rainbows and sunshine, if she thinks she’s special enough to be exempt from the rules. Even if she did fart rainbows and sunshine IN FRONT OF ME, I still wouldn’t be able to just make the fines go away.

If she were a LoLcat, it would say, “Personal Responsibility. Ur doin it wrong.”



This is totally politically incorrect.
May 7, 2008, 2:10 pm
Filed under: Pittsburgh | Tags: ,

Today, I commuted to Oakland for the first time! It was so exciting. I enjoyed it a lot.

Except for a few things. While waiting at my T stop, and then on the T, I had to listen to a particularly irritating girl talking on her cell phone, complaining about her “not boyfriend” that she “is so in love with”, who is sleeping with two other women and won’t give them up for her, but also won’t leave her alone and she just loves him so much and can’t get rid of him.

If you have a guy that you’re regularly sleeping with, and he won’t let you call him your boyfriend, or stop sleeping with other women (even though you have to stop sleeping with other men), here’s a hint. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU. HE IS USING YOU. DROP THAT SH*T.

I felt bad for the friend because she had to listen to that crap. Oh wait, no I feel bad for myself because I was forced to listen to that against my will. Rape listening. Blah.

and then, AND THEN, while walking through downtown, I passed a young, black, obviously poor woman who was very very pregnant (or possibly fat in a weird way. You can’t assume for certain that someone is pregnant unless you see the baby coming out of their vagina at that moment. But I digress.) and SMOKING. A CIGARETTE.

If you’re black, poor, pregnant, and probably unmarried, your kid is already disadvantaged from the get-go. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE HIM MORESO?

I know, totally politically incorrect. I shouldn’t assume she’s pregnant, let alone poor and unmarried. But statistically? I totally can. And regardless, if she is pregnant, she’s still smoking. And that’s still setting the kid up for a sucky life. If you’re making that bad decision now, you’ve made a lot of others, and you will continue making them. People tend to be consistent in their behaviors. Bizarre, but consistent.

And it pisses me off. Why? The obvious reason of just being blatantly stupid comes to mind, as well as risking the life/health of an unborn baby. And then there’s the fact that HEY LOOK. THERE GO MY TAX DOLLARS WALKING DOWN THE STREET.

I bet the only reason she wasn’t drinking was the open container laws.

Yes, I am politically incorrect. And judgmental. And I make assumptions. But you know I’m right.



It’s Finals Time!
April 22, 2008, 10:47 am
Filed under: daily, Library | Tags: ,

And the living is easy?

No, I guess not.

During finals season, large quantities of students come out of the wood work and hole up in Hillman Library for days straight. They seem to forget the library is actually open during other portions of the semester, not JUST at finals.

I can only assume that they don’t know this, because what else could their excuse be for being such blatant novices when it comes to libraries?

So, I have a public service announcement to all patrons of the University of Pittsburgh’s Library System.

1. We do not have stationary supplies. We do not have: pens, pencils that are not golf pencils, paper, paper clips, staples, a stapler, highlighters, markers, glue, or tape. All of these things have been requested. BYOT: BRING YOUR OWN TOOLS!

2. Once again: THE LIBRARY IS NOT ORGANIZED BY COLOR! Is this really that common of a misconception?

3. No, you can not reserve study rooms or tables. No, I don’t know if there are any free tables on the 4th floor. Am I not on the 1st floor? Do I look like I am having an out of body experience? Go find out for yourself!

4. Your books are due on their due date. Even if you’re graduating. Really.

5. No, I can’t just watch your laptop/bookbag/pile of books/sundry belongings for a second. Do you really trust me JUST because I’m sitting behind a desk? FOOLS.

6. No, I still can’t get your books for you. No, I still can’t look them up for you. You are capable of using the computer AND retrieving them yourself. I have faith in you. I believe in you! I BELIEVE IN A CHANGE THAT WE CAN BELIEVE IN! Wait.. wrong speech.

And last, but not least: (I can only assume that this is a phenomenon specific to today): No, this is not where you vote. No, I don’t know where your polls are. Your voter’s registration information should tell you that. See? Right there? That address? That’s where you go. You don’t know where it is? Fine, I’ll look it up for you because I SUPPORT THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS.

…and yes, I AM old enough to work at a university…?***

These are Pitt students? And they still say we’re moving up so fast in rankings? Sigh.

***Someone asked me, after harassing me about where he votes, if I’m actually old enough to work at a university. Possible responses include:

-No, I’m a child prodigy. I work here for fun.

-Yes, I am. I developed a super secret, morally-questionable lotion that keeps my skin dewey. That’s why I look so baby-faced. I’m actually 75. Works well, huh!

-No, I’m actually slave child labor. They have me chained to the library desk, forced to spend my days answering stupid questions and reading The Internet.

Instead, I said “…uh… yes?”



Slack mouth horror
January 28, 2008, 1:12 pm
Filed under: Library | Tags: ,

I sit at the desk here at the library. I am doing nothing but reading The Internet. I have my vacation face on. (Vacation Face: slack mouth, unfocused eyes, possible drool). Nobody has so much asked for directions to the bathroom in 20 minutes. I have even gotten bored with procrastinating so I occasionally look at the book I am reading for class.

So why, oh why, do you walk to the end of the desk and put your books in the bin? DO YOU NOT SEE THAT THE ONLY EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE IS DISCHARGING BOOKS?