Why The Internet Should Be Monitored at Work
January 28, 2008, 10:34 am
Filed under: daily | Tags: , ,

Roommate! works with me at the library. We never actually work together, but sometimes we work at the same time on different floors. The job of the lowly student worker at the library involves very little actual work, and we might get paid more than we deserve considering how little we do. This results in a lot of time to get acquainted with The Internet. I think I might be coming close to the end of it. Well, I would be, but there’s so much porn that I don’t read. Since the sole purpose of the internet is porn, there is very little else in comparison. I am almost to the end of the non-porn Internet.

This amount of Internet-time means that Gmail is constantly open, allowing Roommate! and I to talk via GoogleChat. Today, the conversation went something like this:

ROOMMATE!: okay ew

I just got an e-mail
the person it was from was listed as “Colon Cleanse”
and it was about removing excess waste from your body
i did NOT open that e-mail
This brought to mind the time a few summers ago, when it was so hot that the idea of moving was less appealing than the idea of stewing in my own sweat, I found myself watching an infomercial about colon cleansing. I was horrified, fascinated, and more importantly, the oppressive heat wouldn’t allow me to push the channel button on the remote. Looking at pictures of feces was oddly more preferable to creating any excess heat. Apparently, we have parasites living inside of us, and are constantly constipated. Without regular colonic cleansing (which can come in the form of enemas or “herbal supplements”), we are stunted in our growth as creative people. Or some such nonsense. Essentially, we need aRoto-rooter for our bums, or become bums ourselves.
The best part was still waiting. Without any interlude, they switched to Jesus. Yes, Jesus wants us to have colonic cleansing! Without colonic cleansing, we are doomed to Hell. Who knew? I immediately asked myself, “why has the Catholic Church never taught this?! Do they want us to go to Hell? This is clearly part of some great conspiracy, keeping me from Jesus, AND from having a clean colon!”
It was at that point that I realized the heat was going to my brain, and I should go dunk my head in ice water. Or Jesus would start telling me other crazy things.
After having the above conversation with Roommate! this morning, I decided to do a little Google search. “colon cleansing” brought 246,000+ results. The Colonzone tells us that hot young girls do colonic cleansing, and if you want to be a hot young girl, you should, too. Dr. Natura has no hot young girls, but they do have pictures of the cleansing results. I suggest discretion upon going to that particular site. Zug.com played an apparent prank on the whole concept, but more importantly, they referred to Dr. Natura’s site as being filled with “poo-rnography”. Bingo.
The real fun came when I searched “colon cleansing jesus”, in hopes of finding other infomercials discussing how Jesus requires a squeaky clean colon, or no eternal salvation. This gave me 39,900+ results. Of course, this high number appears to be distorted by the sites that discuss colonic cleansing AND Jesus, but not necessarily at the same time. However, the Digestive Wellness Center subscribes to this particular tenet of Christianity. Ah ha! I did not imagine from heat stroke delusions that the infomercial told me Jesus wants a clean colon. ALWAYS GOOD TO KNOW I AM NOT GOING CRAZY. Or at least, not from this.
However, my favorite site is the Global College of Natural Medicine (who believes they’re accredited? Anyone? Anyone? No?), which says that we have the Lochness (Lochness, not Loch Ness…) monster living in our colons. The only cure? COLONIC CLEANSING, OF COURSE!
Oh, and in case you weren’t already convinced the wonders that colonics can do for you, they can also improve your skin and hair .
Because who cares about Jesus or the Lochness Monster of the anus? SKIN AND HAIR MATTER THE MOST.
*Just in case you were worried about your colon, Lisa Barger will set this whole myth straight. No Jesus involved.
This research just got me closer to the end of the non-porn Internet. My life is closer to being complete.