She doth protest too much.
November 4, 2008, 12:53 pm
Filed under: Current Events | Tags: , , ,

My father and I have a sick sense of humor.

We like to gang up on my mother and harass her.

A favorite way of doing this is to inform strangers, in public, that she is an alcoholic.

The preferred method is to go to a nice restaurant with her, and wait until she’s ordering an alcoholic drink from the waiter.

Then, someone says, “You know, you really shouldn’t be ordering that.” Pregnant pause, and turn to look at the waiter apologetically. “She’s an alcoholic.” The other person nods solemnly.

No matter what she does or says, she ends up looking like an alcoholic. A stranger might wonder why her family would announce she was an alcoholic to him if she wasn’t actually an alcoholic. Therefore, her protestations must be because she’s in DENIAL, not because she doesn’t have a drinking problem, but rather has a crazy relatives problem. And hence, ought to be drinking MORE. It really is amazing that she tolerates us.

The poor waiter is usually extremely uncomfortable. He is usually frozen in place, wide eyed. “Crap,” he’s thinking, “Is this going to affect my tip?”

The poor waiter.

That’s how I feel about this election. It is automatically assumed by those on the Left that if you are not voting for Obama, it is because you hate black people. That is the ONLY reason to dislike him: disagreeing with his policies and disapproving of his record- why, that’s crazy talk! No one actually disagrees with Obama!

And there is no way you can argue with that, not without looking like a racist. You protest too much: you must be racist.

I am not racist. I am not opposed to a black person holding the highest office in the land. In fact, I think it’s high time it happened.

But not this one.

And I would prefer that you denigrate me because of my politics, and not because of my presumed racism.

Thank you. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go start drinking now.


October 7, 2008, 10:25 am
Filed under: Current Events, daily | Tags:

I am kind of shying away from the Internet at the moment. The news, the blogs, everyone is focusing entirely on the election.

Like I said last time: I’m tired of the election. Obama is going to win. It is a Democratic year. The fact that he is only just now pulling ahead of McCain is truly startling. The banter and the pundits and the bullshit are simply nauseating.

I wish I lived in a state that was entirely blue or entire red. I don’t care which. It’s the purple I hate. I’ve never been a fan of purple: just ask Roommate! about the time I crocheted a candle cozy for a “Lavender Lemon” candle. I love lavender. Unfortunately, lavender is also purple. I don’t like looking at purple, even if I like smelling it.

In a purple state, you are bombarded with ad after ad after goddamn ad. All of them are filled with expansions on the truth, convenient drops of inconvenient truths, and general lack of logic. The ads from both sides make me want to vote ‘other, please!’

I guess that’s my big issue with this election. I am such an ‘other’ voter, despite all evidence to the contrary that I am a staunch Republican. I am not a Republican. In fact, I am registered Democrat, and have been since I turned 18. When I registered in Allegheny County this year, I registered Democrat. Neither candidate really pleases me, it’s question of which is the lesser evil. I disagree with many things both parties stand for, it’s merely a question of which side supports the important things.

And you know what? In some ways, I really don’t know. I am going to have to hold my nose and vote McCain, even though he and I disagree on so many things. His plan for health care reform? Dear God! When that came out, it solidified the need to get totally soused before heading to the polls. And yet, despite voting for McCain, I’m kind of hoping that Obama will win. I just can’t bear to vote for him myself because I don’t want him to misread my vote as a ‘mandate’.

Hence, I avoid the internet. I will still go the polls on Election Day. I will still vote for McCain, but I’m more interested in voting for local politicians. Specifically, voting AGAINST them. There is no greater joy while in a voting booth to be voting against incumbents.

Oh, but I’ll probably still be soused. They might limit what I wear to the polls, but they can’t limit what I drink before hand!