When is a jagoff not a jagoff?
February 14, 2012, 2:02 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

When he’s too much of an ass to deserve the name “jagoff”.

I’ve complained about my neighbor, affectionately named “Jackass Neighbor” on twitter, regularly. But I think it’s time to blog about him. Previously, he didn’t seem to deserve getting bitch about too much, because he was a serious step up from the previous people who lived there. He rents a unit in the duplex next door. It’s owned by the people who live in the upstairs unit, and they are very nice people. They rent the downstairs and it covers the owner’s racecar expenses.

The previous renters were a mixed bag of people, and we weren’t totally sure who actually lived there. Two women, one young and one middle aged, were always around, and an assortment of small children. A lot (and I mean A LOT) of men were around all the time. I suspect the women were acting as a warehouse for the men to store drugs in. I once watched one of the men get arrested in front of my house at 2AM, and saw the cops pull very large bags of white powder from his backpack. They also used to send their small child (maybe 4 years old?) into my fenced in yard to play. It’s fenced in for a reason; we have a dog. She’s a very friendly dog, and good with kids, but I have no idea what she would do if a kid came into her yard unannounced. Furthermore: MY YARD NOT YOURS.

So, when Gary and Gerry moved in, it seemed like things were improving. They are employed, they don’t seem to be operating an illegal drug operation out of the place, they don’t send their small children into my yard. They are middle aged men who I don’t think are romantically involved, but who knows what they do? Gary spends a lot of time hollering at Gerry. Gary is Jackass Neighbor. 

Despite being a significant improvement over the previous tenants, Gary has his own bag of asshole tendencies. He is a shouter, first of all. He can’t talk to anyone without hollering at them. He likes to sit on his front porch and talk yell on the phone. He yells at his roommate. He yells, a lot.

He owns 2 cars. I’ve never seen Gerry drive so I don’t think he can. Gary has a very large pickup truck, and a minivan. There is enough room in front of the duplex to fit the owner’s cobalt and Gary’s truck. Gary considers that spot to be divinely bestowed upon him. Twice, we have had guests who made the poor decision to park in his spot, and they returned to their cars to find a nasty gram under the windshield wiper. Even better, he sits at the window and waits for the person to return to their car so he can pounce on them. Because a nasty gram just isn’t enough! He has to YELL at them too! The best part is how he starts both the note and his tirade with, “I know I don’t own the street” and then proceeds to argue that it’s his spot and no one should ever park there ever.

I once watched him do this to the mailman! That was my favorite. The mailman is, I’m sure, used to dealing with jackasses, and pointedly ignored him. He got into his truck, ate his lunch at a leisurely pace even though I’ve never seen him eat lunch on our block before. I’m sure he did it just to infuriate Jackass. As soon as he drove away, Jackass ran out of his house and moved the car into the spot as fast as his little feet could carry him.

He likes to park his van in front of my house. One of these days I’m going to leave a nasty gram on his windshield about it. I just have to get the nerve. 

See? Not jagoff. Straight up JACKASS.


1 Comment so far
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Check his inspection and license-plate stickers. If they’re expired, call the cops. They’ll cite him and possibly tow the van. Or there’s my personal college favorite, the banana up the tailpipe. Slightly less permanent than sugar in the gastank.

Comment by Scot Taylor (@scottaylorpgh)

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