Swirls
October 13, 2008, 8:21 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: ,

I am frustrated.

I am not comfortable with using this site as a way to vent about family. I have found it too many different ways using my full name, which means any family member can stumble upon it, without even using StumbleUpon.

I have read too many other, more experienced bloggers too long. I have read their allusions to why there are entire swaths of their blogs missing, in an attempt to patch and darn the rents their words tore into their families. I don’t want to have to make the same apologies to my family. I don’t want to hurt anyone with my frustrations.

I don’t want to hurt them in such a public and painful forum. They might hurt me with their words, their pregnant pauses and their judgments, but I don’t want to add names to those accusations.

This is the internet equivalent of me screaming in a pillow in frustration. My hands are tied: I cannot type what I want to spill out onto the webpage. I want to vomit it all up, but that’s a stain Resolve can’t lift.

I am so frustrated.

I just wish they could know that the world does not revolve around them. The actions other people take in their own lives? They are not an elaborate attempt to hurt or upset anyone else; they are not personal attacks.

I really think we all spend so much time obsessing over ourselves, but not in the way that sounds. We carefully dab coverup on that blemish, convinced that everyone we pass is thinking, “ew! What a disgusting pimple!” We pick out our clothes in an attempt to prevent our classmates from passing judgment on our wealth, our status and our taste. We buy the fancy car and the big house, and a lot of debt, all for the momentary thrill of seeing other people’s faces and imagining what they are thinking about us.

I’ll tell you what I’m thinking: “You must be up to your eyeballs in debt!”

We want the perfect body, the perfect life, the perfect everything, just so we can imagine what other people are saying about us. We worry when we don’t have the perfect body, the perfect life, the perfect everything, that they are thinking derogatory things about us.

The funny thing is: if we are all so occupied about these things, who has time to actually think anything about anyone else?

The only world that revolves around us is the world in each of our respective heads. And it’s entirely imaginary.

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