Dear Doggie
September 11, 2008, 10:44 am
Filed under: Dogs | Tags: ,

Dear Katie,

You are now about 11 months old.

We shaved your fur and it’s starting to grow out again. You’re still super soft.

We’ve noticed that the hair in between your toes is longer than the hair on your toes. It is also brown. I like to pull it up so it looks like your toes are exploding fur. You’re not a fan of this.

You’re getting better every day. Today, for instance, you crated yourself. I put a swipe of peanut butter in your bone and set it in the crate. I then went to get something, and you were sitting in your crate, looking at me all, “why are you surprised? It’s time for my nap.” I thank you for this development, this new love for your sleeping time away from us Humans. Two months ago I had to wrestle you into the crate, and then you spent the entire day barking and howling miserably.

You still don’t like being left alone outside of the normal workday schedule. If someone leaves the room, you follow them, Miss Nosy Pants. If we leave you alone during a Not Normal Alone Time, you are unhappy. If we leave you alone outside, you bark piteously. You pace constantly and fret if Bear and I aren’t there, or if we leave you at his parents’ house.

Unless we leave you there with a new bone. Then it’s ok.

I’m starting to see a pattern here, Miss Katie. You clearly like the bones more than you like us. Either way, I know that a lot of the separation anxiety comes because not one but TWO separate families took you in, and you loved them, and then they left you at the animal rescue league. We are your third family. The rest disappeared, what’s to say we won’t?

We won’t. So, please, stop the pacing.

You were a stray, and then adopted by 2 families who returned you, citing you first as “untrainable” and second as “too rambunctious”. You are not untrainable. You were just a little puppy for those first owners! You can sit, shake, lay down, come (sometimes), leave it, go in your crate, and get off. (Get off means don’t jump up on me, not any sort of sexual pleasure, you sick perverts). Unfortunately, you are stubborn and willful, and if you don’t want to do one of those things, you won’t.

We are working on this.

You are rambunctious. You are a puppy, and you are part border collie, which means you have a lot of energy. Bear runs you for 45 minutes most days, and that merely takes the uppermost layer of asshole off of your behavior, but you’re still an asshole until you’re tired, and even then you can be an asshole. You steal things you know you shouldn’t have just to get us to chase you. You bark incessantly at people walking by and the other dogs in the neighborhood. You chew on things. You generally get into mischief. You are still very much an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, you are firmly against anyone sticking anything in yours, including an anal thermometer covered in KY jelly.

I know you’re a lot of work, and I know that I get frustrated with you and yell. But I appreciate that you’re making an effort to be better. When you apologize by laying down next to me when I’ve hollered at you, and gently nuzzle and lick me, I know you’re trying to be a good girl. When you’re sleepy and turn into a puddle, it’s all I can do to not chew on you. When you get so excited you almost pee (but not as often anymore! You seem to be developing bladder control! Keep doing those Kegels, girl!) when you see me at the end of the day, it warms the cold, cold cockles of my heart.

So, thank you, little puppy, for sleeping on my feet and digging your elbows into my shins. Thank you for entertaining yourself in the early morning when you wake up before we do, by chewing on your bone. Thank you for not fighting with being crated and left all day. Thank you for snuggling up against me. Thank you for sitting on my lap. Thank you for licking my face, even if it’s gross.

And keep on resisting anal penetration!

Love,

The Female Human

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