News of the Exceptionally Peculiar
May 15, 2008, 8:56 am
Filed under: Current Events | Tags: , , , ,

1. The Vatican says I can believe in aliens now! I know, I was really worried about it, too. I CAN REST EASY NOW. THANK YOU, POPE IN YOUR POPELINESS.

Actually, in defense of the Vatican, it wasn’t that the Pope came out onto his Pope balcony, and announced in his Popeliness that he decided that Catholics can believe in aliens, out of the blue. If you read the article, it says that the Vatican’s Chief Astronomer (really? how am I a Catholic and not know aware of the Chief Astronomer?) was giving an interview with a magazine, and he said in his Astronomerliness that believing in aliens is not mutually exclusive from being a good Catholic.

YAY CATHOLIC CHURCH! Once again you have reassured me that you learned from The Galileo SNAFU. You know, back when you decided to censor ole Galileo for figuring out that the earth rotates around the sun and not the other way around. He wasn’t burned at the stake or anything- just locked up in a cushy prison so he would stop spreading his apostasy. And then it was shown, without a sliver of a doubt, that not only does the earth revolve around the sun, but so do a bunch of other things, AND the sun is not even the center of the universe. Talk about a big “oh crap.” moment, right? Ever since then, the church doesn’t weigh in on scientific inquiry. They only put in their two cents when talking about protecting human life. That’s not so much a question of “What is true? The Bible or science?” and more a question of “What are we allowed to do in the name of scientific research?”

In fact, the Catholic Church is one of the few religious institutions that recognizes the plausibility of evolution. This is one of my favorite parts about being Catholic.

That, and we have a Chief Astronomer.

2. Now, this one is from my hometown newspaper: HUGE BEETLES ATTACK PENNSYLVANIA! Ok, maybe not quite that. However, an illegal shipment of HOLY CRAP HUGE EFFING BEETLES was discovered near my hometown. Look at the pictures. THE SIZE OF A CHILD’S HAND.

Now that, my friends, is disgusting. I think those beetles could have easily overtaken Hannah, The Warrior of the Universe, and then eaten her for dinner. With bbq sauce. I suspect that these beetles might eventually take over the world, actually.

Gross.

3. Mike Garrison, what do you not understand about ACADEMIC INTEGRITY and VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE? I understand that maybe you didn’t realize that you shouldn’t base decisions about who does and does not get to say that they received an MBA from your fine institution on who’s daddy’s pocket you’re in. Maybe you were a little unclear that awarding an MBA to someone who didn’t complete half the coursework JUST BECAUSE HER DADDY IS YOUR GUV’NER AND PAYS YOU LOTS O’ MOOLAH is not what’s known as, oh, ACCEPTABLE. Now you’ve been caught, and publicly shamed. Wah.

But now your Faculty Senate AND the full faculty have overwhelmingly given you a vote of no confidence. They want you gone. You are a blemish on the university. Sure, sure, WVU is already known as a party school. Sure, sure, Pitt soundly kicked your butt (PITT! beat the #2 team! PITT! HOW SHAMEFUL!) last fall in football. (PITT! EVEN WE WERE STARTLED! ASTONISHED, EVEN! In fact, I’m STILL surprised!) Sure, sure, you’re in mother-effin’ West Virginia. I can only imagine how painful that is for you. I take great pleasure in making fun of the trolls in WV, almost as much as I do in mocking the festering armpit that is New Jersey.

BUT MY GOD. WVU is an academic institution, one that educates students and then hands them degrees that they put on their walls and resumes, degrees that qualify them for jobs. If degrees are being handed out willy-nilly just because someone’s daddy is guv’ner, then that seriously diminishes the quality and integrity of EVERY OTHER DEGREE that has ever been handed out and ever will be handed out. It puts doubt next to that piece of paper. Is that really real? Did this person really earn it? And then! It also diminishes the value of the degrees given out by other institutions of higher learning. If WVU did it, maybe other schools are. Just how many people are wandering around saying that they have such and such a degree, but they never even attended the school? How many other schools are giving out degrees to students not because of their coursework, but because of who they are and how many pockets they pad?

The system depends on the trust that these degrees mean what they say they mean. He has done terrible harm to his university, and to the academy at large.

Furthermore, the vast majority of the faculty and the students want him to leave.

Good-bye, Mike Garrison. Does somebody have a fork? Stick it in him. He’s done.

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